A couple of weeks ago I baked cupcakes for the first time since moving here. It's the first real baking I've done in the Easy Bake Oven. I've made box brownies a couple of times, but that doesn't really count. I was nervous about the whole process. The kitchen is so small, and there's really only one countertop that is available for doing anything on. And it's about 2 feet long. Maaaayybe 2 1/2. Thanks to my lovely and generous friend Sara, I had a KitchenAid Mixer to use, so I pulled that out with excited hands and hauled it over to the counter (It lives in the box it came in, in the linen closet in the hall). I have a couple of more work intensive cupcakes, and I chose to make one of these for a party that I was going to. I think I wanted to impress them with my "mad" baking skills. Let me tell you, multi-step cupcakes are a tad more difficult in postage stamp kitchen. The oven also seems to run hotter than advertised as well, so I was worried that the cupcakes would get too dry. So, I experimented and didn't quite turn the oven on to the directed temperature and then I baked them for the minimum amount of time. They came out perfect. Phew!! Step one down. It was at this point where I debated changing courses midstream, and thought about just making a delicious frosting to put on the dark, rich chocolate cupcakes. A couple of things stopped me. Firstively, I had already told the girls that I was making these and I didn't want to go back on that. Secondively, I didn't have the ingredients to make anything other than what I'd originally planned. Apparently, I don't believe in baking back-ups. Thirdively, I was doing all of this the day of the party, and did not have the time to run to the store. Oh well, onward and upward. I powered ahead and started the cookie ball dough balls while the cupcakes cooled. Now, while the first pan of cupcakes was baking (I can only fit one pan in at a time, and that seems to be pushing it.) I tried to be good and clean up some of the mess that had been made during phase I. My mother will attest to the fact that this is unusual. I tend to leave cleanup until the end. Or the next day. It depends on how late I'm running. I was proud of myself, I'm not gonna lie. I congratulated myself on being grown-up, and more like my mother tried to train me to be. But then it all went to hell in a handbasket. I was running later than I anticipated, and so the dishes started piling up. By the time I was done, there were dirty dishes piled at least a foot high in the sink, balanced precariously on the stovetop and counter, and leftover frosting was left sitting in the mixing bowl. I would have taken a picture, but I just couldn't bring myself to add that image to the annals of posterity. What's even more shameful is that the kitchen pretty much stayed that way for the rest of the week. Judge away. I deserve it.
Toasted Marshmallow deliciousness
I've been in the NICU for about 2 weeks now. I'm really enjoying it. However, I'm also feeling like I'm not catching on fast enough, or I'm making too many dumb mistakes, I'm forgetting too many things, and I don't know enough. I'm worried they'll feel like they've made a huge mistake in hiring me. I desire and demand perfection from myself, though I never expect it from anyone else. I'm more than willing to extend grace to others, and yet I seem to lack the ability to show myself grace. I try and remind myself that I can't be expected to know everything, to remember everything, to do everything perfectly. But satan has always been able to get me to think about and dwell on my faults and failures and shortcomings. This is something that I need to be more conscious about turning over to the Lord and keeping up a constant prayer for grace.
I find that I'm still desperately missing home. My parents, my friends, the familiar, the known. Yesterday, I broke down and looked at the Portland hospitals that have NICUs. I was trying to find out how much experience they required. I found that the hospital I did my capstone rotation in only requires one year of experience. My heart leapt. I e-mailed my mom and asked her what she thought. I'm so thankful for her wisdom and her honesty. She reminded me that I made a commitment to stay here for the two years, and that we know the Lord brought me out here for a reason. I need to be faithful and allow him to show me why He's brought me here. It's hard though. When I desire to be with people I already know, who love me, who want me back home, and who aren't shy about telling me. It's nice to know that I'm missed and loved, but it makes it hard, too. But, I'm thankful for the love and support that they give, and the prayers that they pray for me.
I'm struggling with being single. I want to love and be loved, and to have a family with someone. I want the joy of having a baby. Of having a life with someone who's committed to serving the Lord with me, and who challenges me to grow, and who I can challenge to grow. I'm worried that this is a desire that I won't be able to give up, to let go of, to trust the Lord that He will provide what I need, whether it's a husband or not. I feel unsure of how to truly let go of this desire. I want with all my heart to trust the Lord in this area. But I don't know how to live with such complete trust, and what feels like complete abandon. How do I lose my desire to plan and have some kind of control? Perhaps that's what I'm here to learn. Away from everyone I know, I'll have no one but the Lord to rely on, to lean on. Maybe, here is where I'll come to a place in my life where I can let go of desires and control, and learn to trust God completely with every aspect of my life.
