Streams of consciousness

It's been awhile since I've posted. Part of it is because I never really know what to say, part of it is because I'm not very good at writing about what's going on inside of my head and heart. And, I also forget that I have a blog. Oops.

A couple of weeks ago I baked cupcakes for the first time since moving here. It's the first real baking I've done in the Easy Bake Oven. I've made box brownies a couple of times, but that doesn't really count. I was nervous about the whole process. The kitchen is so small, and there's really only one countertop that is available for doing anything on. And it's about 2 feet long. Maaaayybe 2 1/2. Thanks to my lovely and generous friend Sara, I had a KitchenAid Mixer to use, so I pulled that out with excited hands and hauled it over to the counter (It lives in the box it came in, in the linen closet in the hall). I have a couple of more work intensive cupcakes, and I chose to make one of these for a party that I was going to. I think I wanted to impress them with my "mad" baking skills. Let me tell you, multi-step cupcakes are a tad more difficult in postage stamp kitchen. The oven also seems to run hotter than advertised as well, so I was worried that the cupcakes would get too dry. So, I experimented and didn't quite turn the oven on to the directed temperature and then I baked them for the minimum amount of time. They came out perfect. Phew!! Step one down. It was at this point where I debated changing courses midstream, and thought about just making a delicious frosting to put on the dark, rich chocolate cupcakes. A couple of things stopped me. Firstively, I had already told the girls that I was making these and I didn't want to go back on that. Secondively, I didn't have the ingredients to make anything other than what I'd originally planned. Apparently, I don't believe in baking back-ups. Thirdively, I was doing all of this the day of the party, and did not have the time to run to the store. Oh well, onward and upward. I powered ahead and started the cookie ball dough balls while the cupcakes cooled. Now, while the first pan of cupcakes was baking (I can only fit one pan in at a time, and that seems to be pushing it.) I tried to be good and clean up some of the mess that had been made during phase I. My mother will attest to the fact that this is unusual. I tend to leave cleanup until the end. Or the next day. It depends on how late I'm running. I was proud of myself, I'm not gonna lie. I congratulated myself on being grown-up, and more like my mother tried to train me to be. But then it all went to hell in a handbasket. I was running later than I anticipated, and so the dishes started piling up. By the time I was done, there were dirty dishes piled at least a foot high in the sink, balanced precariously on the stovetop and counter, and leftover frosting was left sitting in the mixing bowl. I would have taken a picture, but I just couldn't bring myself to add that image to the annals of posterity. What's even more shameful is that the kitchen pretty much stayed that way for the rest of the week. Judge away. I deserve it.

Toasted Marshmallow deliciousness

I've been in the NICU for about 2 weeks now. I'm really enjoying it. However, I'm also feeling like I'm not catching on fast enough, or I'm making too many dumb mistakes, I'm forgetting too many things, and I don't know enough. I'm worried they'll feel like they've made a huge mistake in hiring me. I desire and demand perfection from myself, though I never expect it from anyone else. I'm more than willing to extend grace to others, and yet I seem to lack the ability to show myself grace. I try and remind myself that I can't be expected to know everything, to remember everything, to do everything perfectly. But satan has always been able to get me to think about and dwell on my faults and failures and shortcomings. This is something that I need to be more conscious about turning over to the Lord and keeping up a constant prayer for grace.


I find that I'm still desperately missing home. My parents, my friends, the familiar, the known. Yesterday, I broke down and looked at the Portland hospitals that have NICUs. I was trying to find out how much experience they required. I found that the hospital I did my capstone rotation in only requires one year of experience. My heart leapt. I e-mailed my mom and asked her what she thought. I'm so thankful for her wisdom and her honesty. She reminded me that I made a commitment to stay here for the two years, and that we know the Lord brought me out here for a reason. I need to be faithful and allow him to show me why He's brought me here. It's hard though. When I desire to be with people I already know, who love me, who want me back home, and who aren't shy about telling me. It's nice to know that I'm missed and loved, but it makes it hard, too. But, I'm thankful for the love and support that they give, and the prayers that they pray for me.


I'm struggling with being single. I want to love and be loved, and to have a family with someone. I want the joy of having a baby. Of having a life with someone who's committed to serving the Lord with me, and who challenges me to grow, and who I can challenge to grow. I'm worried that this is a desire that I won't be able to give up, to let go of, to trust the Lord that He will provide what I need, whether it's a husband or not. I feel unsure of how to truly let go of this desire. I want with all my heart to trust the Lord in this area. But I don't know how to live with such complete trust, and what feels like complete abandon. How do I lose my desire to plan and have some kind of control? Perhaps that's what I'm here to learn. Away from everyone I know, I'll have no one but the Lord to rely on, to lean on. Maybe, here is where I'll come to a place in my life where I can let go of desires and control, and learn to trust God completely with every aspect of my life.

First holiday alone

A girl in the residency program invited me and another single girl in the program to have Easter dinner with her. I thought it was going to be with her family, but it turns out that it was with her boyfriend and his family. I panicked a little when she told us that as we were driving out to his parents' house. It suddenly seemed so much more awkward. However, it turned out to be pretty great. Casey told us that her boyfriend, Rusty, and his family loved having people over and that they were really excited about us coming over. That helped. It turns out that they were really nice and welcoming. Dinner was delicious, and it was fun to watch Rusty's nephews (2 and 4) look for eggs.

After I got home in the evening, Ifey (the other girl in the program) and I received a Facebook message from Rusty. He wanted to let us know that he and his family really enjoyed having us over and that we were now part of the family and welcome to come to other holidays. He even invited us out to his family's farm. He was so sweet. Apparently, this is the kind of boy that sweet Nebraska girls find. The boys I know are weird, and mean, and ignore me on purpose. It's a whole new world out here.

6th Floor Goodness

Well, I finally have internet at the apartment. For some reason, it makes me feel very grown up.

That means that maybe I'll post more!!! We'll see.

This week was my first week on a floor. For six weeks we spend two days on each floor. This week I was on the floor where the oncology and adolescent-ish patients come. I absolutely loved it. I've been interested in pediatric oncology for a really long time, and this week I experienced what it would be like to take care of those kiddos. My patients were so sweet. I fell in love with my oncology patient. She was absolutely precious and I didn't want to leave her. I did, however, realize that I become attached very quickly. I only had her for two days, and at the beginning of the second day I almost cried when I heard some things about her in the residents' rounds. I literally had to tell myself not to cry in front of them. Not.good.

Speaking of residents, they intimidate me. But they have super interesting conversations. I like to eavesdrop on them. There was also a cute one. Too bad I'll probably never see him again. Not that it would matter. We both know that I would never say anything to him. Also, my only interaction with him was me singing a line from an old 90s song. You remember that one 'Too Close'? He was sitting at a nurses station and they were all talking about hold music and he said it came on the other day and that he got excited (I'm giving him the benefit of a doubt, and assuming that the pun was not intended). The other girls didn't know the song, and so I sang the only lines I knew. 'Step back you're standing kinda close. I feel a little poke comin' through'. Well, I only sang the first line. I was too embarrassed to sing the second one. So awkward. I also realized that I'm becoming more and more socially awkward the older I get.

Snob 101

Am I the only one who finds nothing classy about a Bud Light keychain?

I think I'm gonna like it here

I've started working. I'm a working nurse. Crazy, crazy, crazy.

So far, we've only had two days of orientation, but I really love the hospital. Everyone at the hospital strives for excellence and works to achieve the mission of "So that all children may have a better chance to live". I love that.

The thing that sealed it for me was one of the videos they showed us. They were interviewing a bunch of doctors, and one of the cardiac surgeons was talking about his patients. He said that when they had a good day, he had a good day. When they had a bad day, and right there he choked up and had to take a minute before he could continue. Seeing a cardiac surgeon (who are notoriously huge jackasses) choke up and say that his patients having a bad day meant his day was as well made me realize how much people invest in their patients. It's not just a full day of surgeries and rounds. It's someone whose face and name they know. They know the intimate details of their lives, and they truly care about them.

It also was a good indicator that I wouldn't be the only one crying. :)

I'm still homesick, but I know for certain that this is what the Lord wants for me right now. It helps to take comfort in that.

Dear Omaha, let's be friends

Well, I finally got a job. Upside? It's at a children's hospital and I could potentially end up in the NICU. Downside? It's in Omaha. Nebraska. The Cornhusker State. Or something like that. Oh.boy.

This is my first big move alone ever. I'm a little terrified. I'm also really excited. My first nursing job, my first place all alone, my first time all alone in a city, new church, new friends (hopefully), new hairdresser, new coffeeshop people who will have to learn my order. So many things. However, it also means leaving my parents, my friends, my comfort zone.

It's all worth it, though. Two years of experience will allow me to go anywhere. I'll be getting excellent skills for traveling to Africa, South America, Asia, and wherever else.

We'll see what kinds of adventures I stumble into in Omaha. I hope there's something. As a way to occupy myself once I'm there, I'm going to go out and take photos. So, maybe that will help.

So, now begins the packing, apartment searching, the saying goodbye, the crying, the freaking out.

Oh.boy.